Man, he was a laugh-riot whenever he was on screen. Mathew Perry on Friends had the wittiest one-liners on the show. Here are some classic gems:
From the one with the jam
Joey: Why can't we have jam at our place?
Chandler: Because the kids need new shoes!!
From the one with a chick and a duck
(Ross and Rachel are talking out in the hall, Chandler comes out holding the duck)
Chandler: You stay out here and you think about what you did!!
From the one with the New Year’s Eve party
The time when Ross and Monica started geeking out over Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve and Rachel starting and laughing and explains to Chandler "I was with him (pointing to Ross) but now you're with her(pointing to Monica)!" And when Joey tells Ross and Mon they could be on the taping with him, they start getting excited:
Ross:"Oh my God!"
Monica:"Oh my God!"
Chandler:(realizing what he's now dealing with) "Oh MY God."
Others
Chandler: "Hey look, it's a monkey with a Ross on it's ass."
Monica: "And that's a shut-down!"
Joey & Chandler: "Shut-OUT!"
Chandler: "I'm smoking, I'm smoking, I'm smoking."
Phoebe: "I can't believe you, you've been so good for three years!"
Chandler: "And this is my reward!"
Rachel: Men can pee standing up!
Chandler: We can? Okay, I'm trying that
Chandler: "I'll show you to my room... That sounds so weird when it isn't followed by 'no thanks, it's late.'"
Rachel: "Tit for tat."
Chandler: "Well, I'm not showing you my tat."
Chandler: "hey Joey, i wrote a song today, it's called 'get up'"
Chandler: "You always assume you're going to find somebody. But what if I NEVER find anybody? Or even worse, what if I've already found the right woman but dumped her cause she pronounces it 'supposebly'?"
Chandler: "My whole life is a lesbian wedding."
Pheobe: "Oh my God,oh my God!You guys are not gonna believe this!I've just been discovered!"
Chandler: "Hey,now!I claimed you in the name of France four years ago!"
Chandler: "You know what, i can handle it; handle's my middle name. Actually, it's the uh, middle part of my first name."
Chandler [to the duck, while watching Baywatch]: "yes, i know what you're thinking and yes your breasts are just as firm and juicy."
Chandler [to Kathy]: "Do you want bow or stern?"
Kathy: "i really don't have a preference.you?"
Chandler: "i like it in the stern...of the boat."
Chandler [while stuck in the ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre, voice-over]: "alright, just be cool, do something cool, blow a bubble that's boyish, impish.(spits out gum) good goin' imp."
Monica: Okay, everybody. Relax. This is not even a date. It's just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.
Chandler: Sounds like a date to me
Chandler : Janice was my safety net, ok? And now I have to get a snake.
Phoebe : Uh huh. Why is that?
Chandler : If I'm gonna be an old, lonely man, I'm gonna need a thing, you know, a hook, like that guy on the subway who eats his own face. So I figure I'll be Crazy Man with a Snake, y'know. Crazy Snake Man. And I'll get more snakes, call them my babies, kids will walk past my place, they will run. "Run away from Crazy Snake Man," they'll shout.
Chandler : My god, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work. All right, don't get hung up on it, quick, quick, list five things you like about her: Nice smile, good dresser...Big head, big head, big head!
Susie: Why do I want to put ice in my mouth and lick your body all over?
Chandler: Because I went to an all-boys high school and God is paying me back?
Ross : Do you think he'll be surprised to see me?
Chandler : Yes, at first. Then he'll realize he's a monkey, and isn't capable of that emotion.
Monica : "The camera adds ten pounds"
Chandler : "So how many cameras were actually on you?
Phoebe's boyfriend was coming out of his shorts....
Chandler : "What do we do, what do we do, what do we do??"
Ross : "Just don't look directly at it."
Chandler : "Like an eclipse."
Joey : Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie! Oh mommie, oh daddie, I am a big old baddie!
Ross : I guess he musta gotten the part in that play.
Monica and Phoebe : Oh.
Chandler: Yeah, either that, or Gloria Estefan was right, eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.
Phoebe: For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience. Chandler: Yeah, well I don't think you can make that statement, unless you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.
"I believe the foundation of our friendship was bad hair." - Chandler recalls his days in college with Ross
I know sitting in front of this computer is killing my brains and my sperm, but I get to make free long distance calls, so what the hell
Joey: "I may only have a couple drinks in me, but I love you man!"
Chandler: "I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice."
Chandler to Joey: "You know that thing where we talk to each other about things? Let's not do that anymore."
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